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Integration with your infinite self. Ayahuasca diary, part 2

Updated: Jun 18, 2022

The bad trip

Most people have the tendency to think of pleasant experiences as good experiences and difficult, challenging experiences as bad experiences. I learned myself that when dealing with ayahuasca those criteria are not really legitimate because the very nature of the medicine is to bring up things that people have difficulty to see or tend to avoid being confronted with. Very often these processes of confrontation are very unpleasant, difficult, challenging. In reality those experiences tend to be the most beneficial in the long run providing the person to run its course to engage to work with those confrontations. Ayahuasca is an opener, a potentiator. People don’t come here for fun.

Where all polarities dissolve

As I took and ate the precious gift from Victor and went back to sit in my place in front of the fire, instantly the whole game changed. I went deeper than ever expected, slowing down time and space yet speeding up experiences and understanding. The speed at which my mind paradoxes were cleared up was unprecedented, yet calm prevails.

While hearing the purging, crying and moaning of the whole group, my mind and spirit was so high that it couldn't be negatively affected. Wondering if I am the only one in the group currently having that galactic experience with the plant, for a moment I barely thought "ah what a pity": I actually wanted to purge, cry my eyes out and purify the sins like the others. Even the glow of the fire made me laugh so much that I almost lost the balance, risking flung backwards. As soon as I regained composure and put myself back in place, my stomach started hurting.

While massaging my belly, I grasped the precious opportunity: asking whatever I want and getting an immediate multisensory answer. How precious could this to a scientist or a physician in the attempt to discover the elementary component of the whole existence? And I… I'm merely laughing my ass off instead.

White and black hole, joy and suffering in the same sieve

I wonder why we suffer. By closing the eye all of a sudden, the image of a glowing flower. In the center is an exploding sun, the white hole a bright gold, pulsating bud. Around it layers of fiery red leaves rotating like stars gone mad, then going farther from the center, leaves of different shades of green and other beautiful colours rotating slower, ranging from bright green to brown. In the outermost layer the brown becomes dark like the earth and everything moves slowly like death. All the sides of the flower, up, below and sides are visible in the same frame, like a Picasso painting. The black outermost leaves slowly recede underneath the center, and by rotation backwards are coming back to the center below. Below the flower, there is a black hole like the one you see in the Interstellar film; the source and the end of everything at the same time, bringing information back and forth to the cosmic flower. As I could witness every process of the flower, the experience touching my senses and beyond. I try resisting the vacuum pull of the black hole. The center of the flower represents the center of creation, mother nature's womb. The center at the top of the flower is the white hole, the beginning of pulsating life, a continuous emanation of energy. On the other side, below the center, the end of everything. In between an all around rotating at extraordinary speed the leaves, the stages of life, experiences, emotions, the ripening, joy, passion, love, pain, suffering. All in the same pot, they are all part of god. In fact, white and black holes remain two aspects of the same process even in Astrophysics. White holes are theoretical cosmic phenomena that function in the opposite way as black holes. Studies say every black hole corresponds to a white hole. It is like holes in a sieve, on one side you see water being sucked out, on the other side water coming out. As well as the joy and the pain, life and death, creation and destruction. How could that be in real life? I don't know, but at that moment it felt so meaningful and full of love that I burst into tears for long minutes.

The purge

The purge is nothing attractive. You should not tell anybody, but if you really have to, try not to go into details. You will find it difficult to tell because it is the moment of maximum vulnerability, but still better than shitting in your pants.

Yes, the moment of purging has come for me too. It's not pretty, but I'm proud of it because at least it fulfils one of the expectations of pain I had about the ceremony. Personally, if there is no physical response during a healing process, I find it hard to believe anything has changed or been resolved. Yes, I believe in magic healing and immediate energy shifting, but my body still does not. Unless at least an intense sensory response is included in the ceremony to let my body know I got liberated and the change has taken place, I won't feel completely relieved.

The purge came to wake me up from that fantastic dream of dancing flowers, fractal love, and colourful entities to tell me that even though my spirit is honest, open and receptive to receiving the wisdom of the plant there is still some accumulation of energetic crap somewhere that hinders the overall energy flow of my mind/body organism.

It is normal to accumulate energy. Sometimes happen through traumas, frustrations, unexpressed emotions or grudges we carry towards someone.

Accumulation and release of energy

Our organism operates according to two processes, which are accumulation and release, pretty much like a resource bank. This process uses energy as currency, but what is accumulated must be released at a certain point to keep the cash flow of the universe operative. To establish a healthy balance between mind and body, the accumulated energy has to be exhausted, and we generally do it naturally if it were not for the fact that our current system does not include these practices openly. The release may occur through free and creative expression, communication to other worlds, dancing without schemes, service to others, passion work, love making, sport, boxing, screaming, etc. In the process of energy release, people of this society may be seen as mad.

The course of adaptation to the customs and habits of the masses has brought us to the annihilation of our innermost needs. When energy can’t flow properly for a long time, blocks are passed to the body. It is the last chance for us to get rid of it. Purging is an involuntary and painful response yet liberating expulsion of those energy blocks that have already taken physical form in your body. It can be seen as a form of detoxification too.

Defeat the monster

While purging, dark fractal patterns were coming out, so powerfully that my plastic bucket broke. By the time that satanic dark green liquid started to pour out of the bucket, it was already too late for my embarrassment to be contained. I started looking around like a child aware of the consequences of the parent’s broken jar, yet something extraordinary instead happened. While my embarrassment was about to corrode the inside of my stomach, suddenly Viktor and all the people around the circle started to give me one by one congratulatory signs with hands and heads as if I had beaten a monster and set them free. I don’t know if it was true, but it felt perfect at that moment. The monster was inside me, like the embarrassment and the congratulatory signs as well. Once you establish the connection with the plant, you are in it; she is in you no escape possible, you are in her dream till the next morning. You see and feel more than you possibly can, it’s a precious moment: it is given to you the possibility of liberation. You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. All possible stories and situations keep building up in your mind inexorably until you learn one single lesson: surrender.

The most important lessons of your life will be presented to you in the order you need them most. The ceremony is a special moment where everyone's most important lessons converge. I have realized how much the plant highlights one's fears and how in the light of awareness, when you finally surrender, insecurities dematerialize leaving a sense of liberation and peace.


Fears and insecurities lose their power when we include the infinite parts of our existence in our experience. It’s like a meme that went viral some time ago, showing whatever human problem, then zooms out until the rotating rock of planet earth disappears into the infinite, ever-expanding galaxy, and you see how your problems fade away. Actually, the very definition of enlightenment is to awaken to the infinite parts of yourself that already exist. There is not one end point of enlightenment, but it is an ever expanding experience of inclusion of your infinite self.

Establishing a connection to this ancient plant is like including 5,000 years of the planet's experience. That's why indigenous people that have always been connected to plant medicine are so wise and respectful towards nature, because they know who they are.

If you integrate the infinite parts of yourself that exist in nature in the physical as well the non-physical realm, how can you ever harm yourself? It's inevitable, once you know who you are and awaken to the infinite parts of yourself, your life has to change. It won’t be Greenpeace, the next political activism or Greta Thunberg to permanently change the destructive behaviour of our society but your self-knowledge. The rest are just funny trends.

To know yourself is the beginning of wisdom.


There are various techniques, mantras, complex explanations between self and mind, teaching of all kinds around the science of “I am” and so forth to realize the essence of the source. If it is the first time you approach this topic, the amount of information is overwhelming. But what I like the most is to scale those processes and break them down to elementary steps. Which means not to simplify things, but make them accessible to the people. Enlightenment is inclusion of the infinite parts of your existence in your physical experience. Those parts are not taken into account by the physical brain, which is not its main role. The sudden inclusion of larger parts of existence in your experience may cause panic attacks. That’s actually how my two spiritual awakenings occurred in 2020 and 2022. With some exercises, step by step our physical brain and overall mind can definitively include more and more parts of existence, accepting paradoxes and getting free from old mind programming. Like when, as a child, you challenged your friends to who could blow the biggest balloon with the chewing gum. Or how many m&m's can fit in your mouth. After a bit of practice, you can achieve unimaginable results and include more candies inside your mouth. This is because our body and mind are very flexible. Body and mind are actually just concepts. They don't really exist.

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